Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
