i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
