Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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