I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
