imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
