what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
