so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
