Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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