happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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