Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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