Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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