the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
