It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
