grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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