hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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