I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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