Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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