everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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