Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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