My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
