you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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