it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
