I need help removing her.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
