i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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