i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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