Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
