I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
