My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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