Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
being pregnant is like rehab
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
