ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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