Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
