If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
