i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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