That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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