Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
