Dual....:-)
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i will never coherently bang her
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
