It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
