her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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