On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Randomize
