You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
