one two three fourrrrnication!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
