i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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