it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
