last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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