How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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