I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
