About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
