I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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