i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
