I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
