sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
