I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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