You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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