One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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