we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize