At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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