I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
