I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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