dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
