so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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