the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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